Spending time in West Kalimantan, I realised how being so low tech has made me see the beauty of God's creation and feel so much closer to God and His work.
what we gave and how we served
now this was one big eye opener. i was actually amazed that we took 3 to 4 hours to plan one day's lesson for 5 classes (for kindergarten, Grade 1,2,4 and Packet class), and that was 5 of us in the team working together!!! can you imagine if it were just one person teaching - me? it would be much worse! i should be spending like what - 5 hours per day's lesson planning? arghhh it goes to show my lack of commitment and effort i have in my job compared to some others without the certs and degrees.
besides the talents and creativity some people have, it was really the unselfish efforts of some of my teammates that made me wake up and ask myself,
"Am i giving only THIS little to God?"
"Why am i not rising and giving my all or my very best or even trying hard?"
"Have I been too critical or questioning of my motives to notice what I CAN DO and CAN GIVE and then give my best efforts to it?"
The d-day (testimony)
that was the day i worked my hardest and God showed me His power thru weakness and gave me strength to live the whole day and survive through, what I considered, an embarrassing testimony. i slept 3 hours the night before, being stressed about teaching the next day. and i didn't feel any one in my team contributed ideas to my lesson. which was frustrating and tiring. then i had to share my embarrassing testimony about my 14 year old experience about being suicidal, to these 300 people! arghhh! though not all would be there. there would be at least 200 in the hall, including missionaries from everywhere in the world who had just met me. what if they saw me differently, just as i'm making friends with them? what if the kids think i'm weird and don't talk to me or be my friend any more? what if i was blacklisted as "lousy" "bad" weird" "different", and they couldn't accept me as I was?
but i don't know how or why, but my whole team was SOOO encouraging. Pearl prayed for me before the evening meeting. she shared her testimony to me too.
i was amazed that 3 people came up to me AFTER my sharing to thank me and encourage me that it was a good testimony. Eddie opened up a lot! We had a long and open conversation where he shared his past experiences, and that it took God and Jesus to heal the wound and walk beside him to get over the hurt.
my deep conversation with Him
i was hungry to connect with God, seriously on this trip. the Lord reminded me on a solo walk down to the pri sch one morning, when i felt abandoned again by my teammates, who had gone ahead walking without me.
He reminded me of what my mentor said in 2006 in NTU. "Why does your security and confidence lie in people? Why is it not in God? Why is it in what you receive from others and what people say? Where does God come in?"
with that, i took a deep breath, tried to digest it, and walked on with my head held high..... knowing that my worth and esteem and who i was didn't rest in how many friends i had, how much applause and gifts i received from man, but rather rested in remembering God's love and unconditional acceptance He had for me, despite ALL my weaknesses and SINS and all the love He had for me??
I begged to hear more from God. then on the bus ride home toward kuching, for some weird reason i just couldn't sleep like the others did, snoozing away. i said "ok its gotta be you God. i want to really talk to you anyway." then HE FINALLY spoke. it was linked to the children's sunday school material each of our team took turns to teach when we taught the lesson of adam and eve's sin. "You will hear me speak....if you are obedient" came the voice. this time it sounded almost audible. like the burning bush voice in the prince of egypt movie. i was just gazing ahead at the trees in front and the long road. so hearing you stems from my obedience. that's a lot of work God, you know the condition of my obedience a LOT of times. "you will hear me speak clearly when you read the bible too, if you are obedient"
obedience
so here i am.........typing this, learning from great role models and examples of obedience too from teammates. as they despite some conflicts with authority are still mostly obedient to them, unlike me, who constantly wants to fight, mostly with my parents and most of the time this leads to spilling over to work supervisors as well, which is very bad. i didn't see the link till now, that God still honors those who respect authority despite whatever.
I see Pearl's obedience in serving and being with her family no matter what circumstances they go through. I see David's obedience in serving You despite no salary. I see Hemdi's obedience in being meek, not demanding for attention nor people's approval or friendship. I see Chris's obedience in sticking to his own church and not church hopping, and serving You in music.
At the end of the whole trip, I just think that God is using me specifically in Friendship/Bonding evangelism. I like sharing my life with people and hearing about their lives. I hope to be that friend to people (pre believers), who can reach that point of bonding / friendship where I can't help but keep on praying for them that they will be in the same place with me and with God, when our physical bodies depart the earth.
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